Quit my bitching

I shared my fledgling blog with a friend. I was struck by the most recent posts I had made, pleading to some non-existent being for a way out of the hole I had allowed myself to be placed in. I wanted so bad to delete all of those posts that were filled with emotion because what if someone sees it and judges me. In reality though, I'm not ashamed of having emotions. Thankfully however, I am becoming more adept at channeling those emotions into motivation.

I'm not a doctor, but I am prescribing you 500mgs of cowboy the fuck up.

For now, I will continue to ponder in what capacity I want this blog to exist. Do I want to speak on political or social merit? Do I wan people who live in my region to read it and know who I am? Or do I simply want to rant anonymously and share funny pictures with friends? There is a place and time for everything, but I am only on the Earth but once so I shall attempt to do everything simultaneously. If someone takes a deconstruction of a serious topic less seriously because it was preceded about how the world pisses me off, then I say, piss on them. In the future if I say something you disagree with, or if you simply want to troll me, leave a comment. If you are to afraid to speak up in any context, then Facebook is that way ---->

For now I will leave you with a thought. When J. Robert Oppenheimer first saw the results of the Manhattan Experiment in full effect e.g. a nuclear explosion, his thoughts immediately went to the Bhagavad Gita where Lord Krishna and Arjuna are having a conversation before the Kurukshetra War. To intimidate the human,Vishnu re-formed himself into the visage of a huge multi-armed writhing figure, enormously immense beyond the scale of simple human proportions. "Now I am become Death", he told the human, "destroyer of worlds.". (source)

The edacity of my social circle

Being back on Facebook has been an interesting re-acquaintance.

On one hand, I'm glad to be included in the room where people whisper, joke, and gossip with one another, otherwise known imposingly as "The Wall." Nobody likes to be left out.

On the other hand, if I had one, it is incredibly infuriating when I go to the effort of posting a worthwhile link, only to see no one respond.

A select few, Jaron, Joseph, Justin, and Nathan, respectively are exempt from always replying. I know they are as socially conscious as I am, if not more so and sometimes you can't stomach another brain-frying article about political fuck-ups or corporate takeover of liberties.

But for the rest of my sixty-one "friends," I have to ask, why am I friends with you again?

There are quite a number of professional "friendships" I have on Facebook, a necessary evil. There are also some old school buddies and some family. It strikes me to the core how many people are somewhat close to me in my life, yet I am unable to elicit any type of response on Facebook short of an update to the effect of "daaamn, did you see kanye's diss of beyonce?! that shit was raw! ~FuCk ThE BuLlShIt~ need to get paid!!!"

I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like choking everyone until they turn blue screaming, "There is a REAL FUCKING WORLD OUT THERE! WAKE UP!"

But maybe that's just me.

And now this...

Over half a month without posting, which is a good thing. I started this blog to relieve myself of pressure, which shows that for almost a month, things were looking up, and now this...

Where is my life taking me? All I know is that I'm pretty tough to have put up with the years of shit I've put up with. It's no Mogadishu, I'll give you that, but it ain't no paradise either.

Quote of the Day: July 12

"You don't piss off the person who owns a barrel of ink."

Montana Newspaper Association

I have my new press pass. I hope to get a nice hat and put it around the brim.

Weigh it out

What's worse in a relationship?

A couple big mistakes that hurt the self esteem of your partner in the short term?

or

A two year lie, saying your feel one way, but feeling the other?

[Oh I'm sorry, I knew you weren't the one for me all along. I should have let you know, sorry.

And those big mistakes you made? They ultimately didn't affect me as much as I pretended they did since I was never truly in love with you. My bad.]

Pro Tip: Don't waste two years of someone's life.

kthxbye.

One Week

It has been one week.

One week on my own. I cannot express the diversity of emotions I have felt throughout the last seven days. I have found myself sleeping a lot and I don't know whether it is from mental exhaustion or from depression, but nevertheless I feel quite rested with nothing to do. The highlights of my days consist of steeping outside to smoke, walking to a bar to have a beer, and receiving a call from a friend.

Having an empty office to myself is quite lonely. I can liken it to living in an empty library, without the books. The desire to tell others what I am going through is a strong one and that upsets me because I shouldn't need validation from others, but it somehow eases the pain. If they only understood. I can say that I am very grateful for the support everyone has given me. It has been wonderful to exit a highly negative situation where I was told how awful I am only to be given love and support from a variety of people.

My life matters and I want to do so much with it, but as the minutes tick by slowly, I find myself pondering the lack of real-time motivation. Pushing things off another hour is easier than ever now. I yearn to jump 2 years down the road so that I can look back at what I am doing as a character building process. I don't know anyone personally who has set out to do what I am doing and that makes me very happy to know that I am setting an example. An example to show that it can be done. You can live on the edge of society and come out on top. I just hope I make it.